8 Seconds and an Emu

 

Not only was there a long list of characters who passed through Turkey Hop, but the list of animals was also just as long.  After the cow incident, I wasn't as fond of the animal as I once was.  Watching a cow go berserk while your grandfather goes flying will do that to a person.  Pigs, goats, cows, horses, chickens and the list goes on and on.   The worst animals Paw had were the geese.  I have never met a goose that wasn't a reincarnation of the devil!  Other hateful beasts included several "top knotted" chickens.  These things had fuzzy feathers on top of their heads, and their favorite hobby was to chase me and my cousins.  These chickens were smart, they had our number and whenever we stepped out of the house, they were on us.  One day I was at Granny's, and I wanted to go home.  I opened the front door and looked both ways.  I didn't see anything, so I felt like it was safe to head toward home.  Just as I made it off of the porch, those chickens came out of nowhere like a sling shot had fired them at me.  I started running, but with my short legs, I didn't go very far very fast!  I had almost made it home, but the chickens were hot on my trail.  Just as one rooster was stretching out his neck for a nice chunk of my leg, I leaped for the safety of my front door.  Mama had the door open because she had heard my blood curdling screams coming from up the hill.   One day, Granny fixed chicken and dumplings for lunch.  Funny thing is, I never saw those chickens again!  Go figure.  Some people came to visit, but ended up staying for months, weeks, or even years!  A man came to visit one day and ended up staying for many years!  His name was CK, and boy what an interesting fella he was.  He could tell some tall tales better than Steven King, and a majority of them were stories he had made up while reliving his adventures.  One of the best stories was the Crockafish encounter.  He said he was fishing in the Lincoln Memorial gazing pool, when he hooked a fish of a lifetime.  He said when he reeled it in, it looked like a fish mixed with a crocodile.  He said this thing was called a crockafish, and since it was endangered, he decided to put it back in the water.  This was just one of many tales he had to tell, and they all made us laugh.  One day Paw decided it would be a good idea to buy an animal he had never seen before.  He bought an Emu!  This thing was completely wild and uncontrollable, but he was determined to tame it.  On this one day, the Emu pulled one of its famous escaping tricks.  Paw yelled for CK to come and help him catch it!  The emu had made its way from the field down to the barbershop.  Paw was behind it, and CK was waiting to ambush it around the side of the shop.  When the emu turned the corner, CK grabbed hold.  This thing started kicking and bucking, with CK holding on like Tuff Hedeman riding a bull in the National Finals Rodeo.  CK didn't turn loose, and the emu never slowed down.  When CK was in deep thought, he would stick his tongue out of the corner of his mouth.  The more the emu jumped, the farther CK's tongue stuck out.  Last count the two of them made 3 solid laps around the barbershop!  Paw was trying to keep up and yelling "Turn loose of the thing or its going to kill you"!  CK was hard of hearing, so Paw's screams went unheard!  CK FINALLY turned loose as if God above said, "You idiot, I've given you every chance to let go, so I will MAKE you let go"!  CK turned loose of the emu and went tumbling through the grapevines.  The last we saw of the emu it was headed south with the look of joy in its eyes.  CK picked himself up, dusted off his overalls and said, "Boy that thing took me for a ride".  Paw was so mad, he had almost chewed his lips down to nothing.  CK not only ignored his instincts to turn loose of danger, but he had destroyed the grape vines and lost Paw's emu.  There was never another animal like that to live on Turkey Hop Hill, but we can still hear the sounds of CK making his 8 second ride on Ernie the Emu around the barbershop.... 

Eula and the Great Gas Oven Caper...

 

My Granny's kitchen was the place to be around 11:30 every day, Monday through Friday.  There was food on every inch of the table, and more than enough to go around.  Some days Granny would have help, but some most of the time she would do it all by herself.  There was no air conditioning in the house, and the only way it had any breeze circulating, was from the big chicken house fan attached to the south side window in the living room.  Every window in the house would be open and that fan would be chugging.  Remember, this was Summer in the south!  The only breeze coming through was a nice 90 degrees.  It didn't matter to Granny!  She would dive headfirst into making the cornbread and frying up some fresh corn from the garden.   On the rare occasion Paw would make it to the house before the food was ready, he was put in charge of making the sweet tea.  There is sweet tea, but Paw's tea fell somewhere between sweet and molasses.  It was so sweet you could almost use it for dessert!  When the tea was ready, he would put it in a gallon glass jug and sit it on the table, then pour it over a glass full of ice.  There was nothing better than sipping the tea while eating fresh cornbread and beans, with an onion on the side.  I can taste it now!  I was very close to my grandparents on both Mama and Daddy's side of the family.  I was also extremely close to my great-grandmother "Maw", who was Paw's Mama.  She was a unique lady, and you wouldn't find anybody any sweeter!  She was born 1-1-1900 and had her first baby (my Paw) when she was just 17.  He was a whopper weighing in at 14lbs, but that didn't stop her from having 5 more in addition to him.  Some of my favorite memories are visiting with her at her home.  Her house always smelled like fresh baked pineapple upside down cake and was so clean you could eat off of the floor.  She didn't have an inside toilet, so she had to use an enamel bucket with a lid that sat on a stool.  Funny the things you remember, but I always had to "go" when I went there because I thought it was cool to use her bucket.  In her later years she would visit with her kids for a few days at a time.  I LOVED when she would stay with Granny and Paw, because I knew she would stay at our house and be my bed buddy.  She was peed on, puked on, and pushed off the bed, but she never complained.  She always loved me, and believe or not, I was the perfect kid while I was around her.  She would bring her "paper poke" (paper grocery bag), and as long as she had "dressed up cakes", she was in Heaven!  One day when several of us were at Granny's house helping with lunch, Maw decided to help bake the cornbread.  The kitchen was extra full that day with Granny, Maw, Mama, my Aunt Mary, and of course me.  Granny cooked on a gas stove and the pilot light had to be lit if you wanted to use the oven.  The stove had been acting up and was really not safe, but that didn't stop her from using it.  The kitchen was a sweltering inferno, but the bread had to be made.  Granny was busy at the sink, while Mama and my aunt were setting the table and doing other stuff.  I was busy playing with the washing machine and pilfering through the cabinets.  Maw opened the oven door and proceeded to light a match.  The next thing we hear was a loud boom!  Pots and pans were flying, smoke was boiling out of the oven, while Mama and my aunt ran for their lives.  I remember ending up standing on top of the washing machine, holding on to a box of Corn Flakes from the top of the refrigerator!  Granny was in the floor with a pan over her head, and Maw was nowhere to be seen!  Were we just attacked by the Republicans again?  Did the ghost of Sherman's army make another appearance while heading for Atlanta?  No, it was the stove showing off for everybody.  After Mama and my aunt ran back into the room, and Granny scraped herself off of the floor, Maw made her appearance!  In the pandemonium, it was assumed she had been blown through the ceiling, but in reality, she never left the room.  After the smoke cleared, we saw Maw's rear end in the air, and she was pulling her head out of the oven.  She stood up and her hair was a big fuzzy mess.  Her glasses were hanging half off of her face, and the first words out of her mouth were, "What did y'all say"?  She gathered herself, and with the kindest soft voice she said, "I think I'm going to go lay down for a minute and let y'all finish up in here".  The last I saw she was wobbling into the next room where she finished taking her glasses off and took a nice little nap. That was the day we had loaf bread instead of cornbread for lunch!! 

Won't You Bray for Me

 

I think by now, you can see how much I love telling funny things about my childhood.  The one major thing I've learned from this adventure, is I was a horrible child!  I told myself I need to tell stories of what a sweetheart I was, but those stories are really hard to remember.  So, in the meantime, I will just tell you another little ditty about good old Turkey Hop Hill.  Every second and fourth Saturday nights of the month, the hill was rockin'.  The Red Barn was a place that saw many bluegrass pickers of all walks of life.  Some were bigger names than others, but everyone was welcome.  At least once a night, we would hear a big crash, and some "fluffy" lady was being picked up from the floor after her metal chair had broken.  It was sort of expected, but I'm glad it never happened to me!  The interior of the barn was in two different sections.  The top part was where all of the chairs were.  There were two sets of steps leading down to the bottom part, where there was a dance floor and the stage.  Behind the stage was a door that led down into where Paw kept the milk cow.  I guess since his other place wasn't suitable for milking since some little girl swarped the cow on the rear that resulted in the cow destroying the back wall. On each end of the place were windows, with the south end window being open to the pasture.  One Saturday night, the special guest was a band who was pretty big in bluegrass at the time.  Around 5:30 or 6, people would start arriving and it was basically the same crowd every week.  I think they only came on a regular basis, just to use the outhouses.  Us girls had it good with our outhouse.  We had a two holer, while the men had to struggle with a single hole.  The people had arrived and had taken their seats, and the smell of ham, biscuits, and coffee had filled the building.  The band was tuned up and wearing their best stage suits, while the animals out in the pasture were headed to the barn to join in the fun.  It wasn't out of the ordinary to see Paw come thru the door at the back of the stage with a bucket full of milk.  The show always started with Mama and Daddy's band, and they would set the tone for the night.  After they had played for a while, the guest band took the stage.  There was a huge crowd there that night, because of the big named group.  The crowd was on fire!  The first song from the band brought the people to their feet.  The second song was just as exciting, followed by the same reaction from the third song.  The fourth song slowed things down a bit, and it was a tearjerker.  It made men take their ladies to the dance floor, squeeze them tight, and sway to the sounds of the fiddle and banjo.  It was extra warm that night, so every window in the place was propped open to give a little relief to the sweltering heat.  The hotter it got, the more onions we smelled.  After the band played a few more fast songs, they slowed it down again.  This one was even more of a sad song!  The dance floor was full, and people were mesmerized by the crooning of the lead singer.  The end of the song was about to happen, so the music got louder and stronger.  The final note was as high as the singer could go, and I believe it may have cracked a light bulb in one of the outhouses.  When the last note ended, and every woman was dipped, a hush fell over the place.  UNTIL.....  Paw's big mule stuck his head in the open window and let out a bray that could be heard miles away!  Not only did he bray once, he did it over and over.  Every eye was on him with his big mule ears perked up with his head held high.  He had a look on his face of, "Now that's how it's done son"!  When he was finished, he chewed the hay that was left in his mouth and slowly pulled his head out of the window and walked into the darkness of the pasture. The show went on, but somebody decided to close that window just in case Jack the mule decided to come back and join in on another song.  If memory serves correctly, that band never came back....