Jesus and a Walking Horse

 

 When I was younger my family didn't attend church very often. Most of the time it was only on Easter with the occasional visit from preachers my Grandparents would send to talk to Mama and Daddy. This didn't go over very well because my parents didn't want to be pointed out or made feel less for not going to church.  When I started dating my now husband John, I started going to church with him. I later joined his church, and the rest is history. One morning I was home, and the phone rang. It was Mama telling me that she and Daddy had been saved! I was overjoyed and cried tears of extreme joy! 

Before I ever met John, Mama and me would visit one of the churches in our town. The pastor was a nice man who was one of the funniest people I had ever met. When he found out I played fiddle, he wouldn't have it any other way but to take fiddle lessons from me. We started with lessons, and it was an experience to say the least. I will just say he did ok, but we quickly realized the fiddle wasn't his instrument. He once said, " If my wife doesn't leave me over this she never will.".  The fiddle isn't for the faint of heart, and when a person is learning to play it's one of the most "troubling" sounds you will ever hear. The longer he took lessons the closer friendship we developed with he and his family. One Sunday after the sermon, he came to Mama and me and told me he wanted to introduce me to a young man who goes to church there. I was hesitant but eventually gave in and went on a date with him. He was very nice and came from a wonderful family, but I knew this wasn't a match. He came to my house to pick me up and we headed out. I asked him what his plans were and where were we going. He told me we were going to meet up with some his friends at a small party. I wasn't sure about this because I didn't know his friends and I didn't want to go to a party where it might be things going on I didn't want to take part in.  I asked him if it was going to be ok and how I didn't want to be around anything wild.  He told me it would be fine, but it may get loud at times. He told me they were having food, and it would be a great time. After he told me there would be free food, I was all in for the good time. I figured while the wild stuff was going on I could hang out at the food table and eat. We drove to the nearby town and into a residential neighborhood. We pulled up to a very nice home where there were several cars in the driveway and street.  I said to myself, "here goes nothing.". We walked in the house, and what I saw left me confused.  There were people our age all sitting around in the floor and on the furniture. The hosts welcomed us and asked for us to take a seat. I looked around and there were no seats open, so I said to myself, "Tina, I guess you're going to have to plop your fluffy rear end on the floor.". Now don't get me wrong. I wasn't a huge person, but I did have fluff to my rump. After I made my way onto the floor, he sat down beside me. Still baffled, the hosts came up and welcomed us all to the bible study! Now I'm all for Jesus and love him with all of my heart, but this was NOT what I was prepared for. I had worn jeans that were not loose enough to be sitting on the floor. I had my legs crossed which made my pants cut my circulation off to ever part of my lower body. They were cutting my stomach off so bad I wanted to unbutton them, but I didn't think it would be appropriate for me to halt the bible study in the middle of John 3:16 for me to stand up and unbutton my tight jeans. As the hosts were talking about salvation, I could feel the numbness creeping from my feet to my knees and them being completely paralyzed from the waist down. I couldn't hear anything but my date asking me if I was ok, and the man's teaching reaching a fevered pitch about Hell. I heard the word hell because that is what I felt like I was in. The longer I sat there the more upset I got. I knew the lesson would end eventually and I would have to get up. My date was a very thin, shorter person and I knew he wouldn't be able to help me get up off the floor. After an hour and a half of me sitting in the floor, it was over, and it was time to eat. Everybody took off to the kitchen and my date told me we could go join them if I wanted too. At that time, it wasn't a matter of wanting to join them, it was a matter of me getting my numb body off of the soft carpet. I told my date to go join everybody and I would be in there shortly. He left, while I sat on the floor for about a minute, trying to come up with a strategy for how I could get up.  Keep in mind, I was sitting in the floor with my legs stretched out in front of me and I couldn't feel anything from my waist down.  After thinking a while, I realized I was sitting beside a nice wing backed chair. I knew if I could make it to that chair, I would be able to pull myself up and sit there until the feeling came back to my legs. I started rocking back and forth while keeping a close eye on the kitchen hoping none of the sweet people huddled around the table of food saw me. The smell of barbequed little smokies, sandwiches, dips and desserts flooded the house and that was my motivation to keep rocking. I could taste the little smokies with every rock, and I could feel the cool whipped topping singing a chorus of Hallelujah as I took a bite. As I rocked like a ship on the high seas, I grabbed the chair. I had done it! I had made my way to the chair and pulled myself into the seat.  I had sat there for a minute and the feeling had finally come back into my lower body. With my head back and eyes closed, I felt a tap on my arm. It was my date asking if I was ready to come into the kitchen and be with everybody. I felt a little guilty because I hadn't taken part in the get together and all I had done was plan on getting out of there.  So, I told him I would, and I stood up. Even though the feeling had come back to my legs, the fun wasn't over. As I was pulling myself up to the chair, I sneezed! When I sneezed, it released a toot that sounded like a tugboat approaching a dingy in the Mississippi river. The toot was then followed by a little squirt of pee. My date looked at me and said, "Oh Tina, that was gross! I hope the others didn't hear it. You probably need to change your clothes because that will make you smell.". At this point my nostrils flared, and my jaw tightened. I told myself not to go redneck on him since we had just talked about the love of Christ. I have to tell you though; it was hard to do since the room smelled like rotten cabbage and I was afraid I was going to start stinking like an open can of sardines from my wet pants.  I kept my mouth shut and stood from my chair. The first step I took I could feel the sensations in my legs. Every step I took, my legs raised higher. By the time I made it across the room I looked like a Tennessee walking horse preparing for the next big show. My date looked at my legs and asked, "What's wrong with your legs?". I told him, "I was practicing my walk with the Lord, and he didn't need to question it.". After high stepping my way from the cabbage filled room to the kitchen, I realized the little smokies had been devoured after a short blessing of thankfulness. This blessing would've been about the time I was rocking like a boat. But I will tell you, it wasn't the love boat! The disappointment was written across my face. Everyone was laughing and having a good time, when one girl said, "Hey everybody let's go to Denny's!". I really wanted to go home since I was in no way suitable to be in public, but I went anyway. I visited the bathroom where I dried my undergarments the best I could. I could see the lady of the house had a bottle of powders in a cabinet in front of me. I thought this might be a band aid to cover any and all odors that might creep up on me. I opened the cabinet door and the OPEN powders fell to the floor creating a fog of white like an explosion at a cocaine factory! I picked up the bottle and doused my underwear, while kicking the powder on the floor under the cabinet with my feet. After I was finished, I walked out of the bathroom. The fog was still in the air and the smell of rose pedals surrounded me, but I never broke my stride. I thanked the hosts for having me into their home (even though I had stunk up the den, peed in their chair and dumped rose petal flower scented powders all over the bathroom), and walked outside. Before I walked out, I looked behind me. I saw footprints following me and I realized it was the powders I had kicked under the cabinet. People were wondering where they came from and I said, "Have you heard of the Footprints in the Sand from Jesus poem? I'll bet our hosts set that up for us.".  Everyone loaded into their cars, and we left for the restaurant. One our way my date asked me what kind of music I liked. Of course, being from a bluegrass family, that was my number one music, but country was a close second. Instead of answering him, I asked what he liked.  He said, "I like most music, but I HATE country and I despise bluegrass!". That was it! I could take everything that had happened that night, you know the fart, powder, piss and walking horse imitation, but I draw the line at bluegrass. I was done and this date was over. We had nothing in common and I wanted to go home right then. We walked into the restaurant and sat down. I had been sitting most of the night, but after over and hour of waiting for his food, I told him I had to be home by 10 and we needed to leave. I know I know! It sounded bad, but the dampness from my "accident" and the combination of powders had left me with a squishy feeling of rose petal scented biscuit dough in my drawers. He got his food and we left. When I opened the car door to get in, I saw where there was a perfect white imprint of my rear end in the seat. The powder had left him a copy of my butt with the perfect crack down the middle. I closed my eyes and sat down.  I scooted in the seat a little, like a dog scratching its glands across the floor, in hopes it would erase the impression. He drove me home and I bid him good night. He asked if I would like to go out again, and I said, "I don't think so! This night was too busy for me, and I need to go fix me some biscuits!". Thank GOD he had no clue what that meant, but it made for a good laugh for my family. I never saw him again after that, and I hope and pray he found someone who treats him well and they have a good life together. I'm sure if he ever sees a walking horse with gas and white feet that plays bluegrass music, he will think of me...