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Everything (for the most part) Granny cooked and put on the table was from their gardens or fields. From corn meal made in Paw's mill, to fresh meat, milk, eggs, and vegetables. Every day around noon was the big event. As soon as the food went on the table, the cars started showing up in the driveway. Lots of feet went under that kitchen table, and no belly left hungry. When I would stay all night with them, I had to be up by at least 6 am. My Paw was always the one to wake me up. I would always sleep in Granny's bed. Yes, they had separate beds. Their house was big, and their bedroom was big enough for 2 regular beds with plenty of room left over. There was no heat in the room, and the only light was a single bulb in the ceiling with a long piece of fabric hanging down to pull so the light would come on. In the winter the room was so cold you could see your breath. Right before bed they would open the door so the room could heat up a little. It didn't help much since it was 40 below in there and at any moment, I was sure a penguin would waddle out to tell me good night. Granny had about 30 blankets and quilts on her bed. After I would lay down, she would start stacking them on me. I had so much weight on me, there was no way possible for me to move. I couldn't turn over, move my arms, legs or anything. I'm sure if she had her way, she would have put one over my head so I would be quiet and go to sleep. After she got me, all taken care of, she would lay down. Granny was very short, so her process of getting in bed was a show in itself. She would face the bed and when she thought it was the right time, she would take a leap of faith and flop in the bed onto her side. After she was all set, she would throw her leg up and let out a roar (toot) that could be heard by all of the animals in the Namibian dessert. Birds would fly from their nests and pray the wind from the storm wouldn't blow their nests away. I actually think any varmint nearby would run in hopes of evading the trauma. I saw a video of an "A bomb" one time, and my mind went straight to Granny. After she had expelled all of the demons from her backside, I started to cry and gag. Remember! I couldn't move because I was weighted down with the house full of blankets, so I had no other choice but to take it. She thought this was extra funny and she would laugh until she cried. I almost think I deserved it from what all I had put her through that day. While I was crying and she was laughing, I could hear Paw chime in from his side of the room. "Inez, I don't know what you eat today but I think it has rotted your guts." He would also say, "don't do that baby like that, because she don't want to smell your sh*t no more than I do." Those words didn't faze Granny, she felt victorious! After the fumes had settled, we all went to sleep. At 4 a.m., the both of them would get up and start their busy day. Paw would go milk the cow, while granny would start breakfast and then pour up the milk after Paw had brought it inside. When it was around 5:30, Paw would come into the room where I was sleeping and start the painful process of waking me up. Paw's approach was much different than Granny's. Granny would usually barge in the door and say "Get up Tina and I'm not going to tell you again. If you aint up by the time I come back I'm dragging you out of that bed". I am happy to say a majority of time Paw was the one who woke me up. He would walk into the room and pat me gently on the face. While he was patting my face he would say in the sweetest voice, "Teeny you think you want to get up? Granny has breakfast almost ready, so let's get up and go get some of that good food." I would normally get up and feel my way to the living room where he would have my clothes over a straight-backed chair in front of the heater. He would have my clothes nice and warm so I could put them on. After I was dressed, we would make our way to the kitchen where the feast was.
The meat on the table was bacon, ham, and sausage. This meat came from the smokehouse and was from the hogs they raised and butchered themselves. Every year at the same time the yard would fill with certain people they had invited, and the annual job of hog killing would take place. Everyone had their jobs, and in return they would be able to take home part of what they had worked for. To be honest, I HATED this time of the year!!!! I have always hated the sound of a gun. Don't get me wrong, I am a big Second Amendment supporter, but I am not interested one bit in guns. So when it came time for "that" part of the process, I would run and hide in Granny and Paw's bedroom. Paw would come in and get the gun from the rack, and I would say "Is that the gun that isn't loud?" He would always tell me yes, and for me to stay there and he would come get me when it was all over. He never let me down, and I never had to hear the blast from the gun. It doesn't make sense. I was terrified of the loud noise, but the part that came next never bothered me one bit. Outside there were stations, and different people were at those stations. One station in particular was the "chittlin'" station! At this station is where Granny was the supervisor. There would be a brand-new water hose strictly for this station. After the "item" was removed from the hog, the water hose would be placed in the opening and the water would be turned on. There would be so much poop flying out of the opposite end, it looked like a spreader truck full of liquid fertilizer was making its rounds through a hay field! When everything was "clean" she would take them and start cutting them up. All of those things went in the freezer after they had passed Granny's inspection. No matter how much you clean those things, you will never get the poop smell out of them. If you wonder what chittlins smell like, imagine standing behind a hog and getting a whiff of their past meals. Yes, they smell just like crap! For some reason Granny and other crazy family members loved them so much they would plan a day just to cook them. Funny, nobody would show up for a free meal that day! One day Granny had planned a chittlin' cooking day. Mama, my aunt Mary, Granny, my uncle Bubba, and any other nut who was crazy enough to show up, would start cooking. They would pressure cook them first (after another good washing) to get them tender enough to fry. Everything was set! the oil was poured into the pot, the meal and other seasonings were mixed and ready for the tender meat to come out of the cooker. During the preparations, Granny must had gotten something mixed up. She was always like a dog with rabies when it came to chittlins'. She would almost be foaming at the mouth in anticipation for her disgusting delicacy, so there is no wonder she had a slip. The cooker started to jingle like Santa coming down the chimney. With every jingle, Granny's mouth watered even more. The jingle had reached a fevered pitch, when all at once, there was a great explosion. Remember the "A Bomb" coming from Granny's backside? Well, the sound was louder than that, but had the same smell. The pressure had built so much, the top of the cooker blew completely off. When the mist had cleared and everybody realized what had happened, the sight was like nothing anybody had ever seen. The cooker top had blown to the ceiling and ended up across the room on the floor. There were hog guts hanging from the light fixture, curtains, refrigerator and I do believe there were pieces hanging from the telephone. My aunt was covered in the juices that made it look like she had just had a relaxing moment at her favorite spa. There were gut juices dripping from the ceiling above the stove that would have made you think of a waterfall deep in the forest made entirely of septic tank water. When the explosion happened, Daddy and Paw were outside on the front porch. When they heard the noise, they sprang into action. They ran like a flash into the kitchen, where they saw a sight that would be forever known as, "Guts Gone Wrong.. Season 1". The smell was absolutely unbearable, but there sat granny! She was heartbroken because her favorite meal was hanging from her glasses instead of in her belly. Paw saw her sad face and he asked, "Inez are you alright?" She looked at him and said, "This is one of the worst days. It may smell bad to y'all but it shore smells good to me!". With a serious look on his face he replied with, "Well if you think the smell of hog sh*t smells good, you have a bigger problem than the pressure blowing up!"....... The stain of chittlin' juice was on the ceiling for years after that...
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