A Little Mustard for Your Chair?

My grandparents owned several acres on Turkey Hop Hill.  The side where their house was, was mostly used for farming (and for me to terrorize any and everything).  Behind their house was the corn crib, gristmill, and smoke house.  Between the smokehouse and gristmill was a barn type structure that extended back a way. The front part of the building was where the laying boxes for the hens were and anything else Paw could cram in there.  In the very back was the door that led to the hog's pen.  I was never allowed to go in there very often, because sows can be pretty mean when they have babies.  Across the road was where the infamous milking barn was, that sported that hole in the back wall from where I didn't obey Paw and gave the cow a tappy tap on her rear.  Another building to the right of the feed lot, was a big building.  That building had become a landmark in the community, because every second and fourth Saturday nights, bluegrass music would ring from every window and every door. I can still hear the music and feel the floor bouncing from people dancing to the music.  I can still smell fresh coffee coming from the kitchen, and the fresh ham cooking for granny to make her famous ham and biscuits.  Fried pies, ham and biscuits, hot dogs, and coffee were the big sellers and I believe that was the main reason some folks would come to the shows. You could smell Old Spice, Skin Bracer, Brut, cheap perfume, and the occasional whiff of onions.  Now I don't mean onions from the kitchen, I mean the onion smell where somebody forgot to put on an extra swipe of deodorant.  Mmmmm, every time I smell onions it takes me back to the Red Barn on a Saturday night.  I've said before, but I'll say it again, there was NEVER a shortage of people dropping in to visit, and it was mostly at mealtime.  One guy was ALWAYS there for dinner (noon meal) and would make his way back for supper every evening.  Granny would always cook a big meal at noon, and most of the time they would have leftovers, or something small for supper.  She rarely cooked a big meal at suppertime, unless it was a special night or something. This guy who I will call Roy, was always there watching Granny pour up the fresh milk after Paw had brought it from the barn.  When she would turn her back, he would take that gallon of fresh, straight from the cow milk, and turn it up and drink as fast as he could until it was gone.  When she would turn around she saw what he had done. She would get so mad; she would holler at him and tell him to get his a** out of her kitchen and not to come back!  Granny was always welcoming and would feed anybody who needed food, but don't steal her cow milk.  If you did, it's possible you'd get a dipper thrown at your head as you were heading for the door.  Roy drove everybody crazy!  Not only did he show up at mealtime, but he would also visit the rest of the family at the most inconvenient times.  My Mama's sister and her family lived on the bottom side of the land, just down the hill from the Red Barn.  Roy would start there, just to see what food he could find that wasn't tied down in her kitchen.  After he had raided her kitchen, he ate his way up to our house.  He would come inside and always sit down in Daddy's favorite green Naugahyde recliner.  He would do this knowing it was Daddy's chair that he liked to relax in after a long day at work.  When I would walk past Roy, he would stick his feet out and try to trip me.  He did this one evening and I fell and got hurt.  Mama chewed him out good, so he left in a huff talking to himself the entire way to Granny's.  Even though he left, it wasn't until after getting his belly full of whatever food we had sitting on the counter.   After he left us, he would make his way up the hill to "visit" Granny and Paw.  This particular evening, after Roy had hit my Aunt's house, he strolled up to our place.  Daddy was in no mood for Roy this night, and all he wanted to be left alone, sit in his chair, watch tv, and them have supper!  It wasn't long before we heard "anybody home"?  He never knocked and was always walking in while he was asking.  Daddy tried to be polite, but it was out of his control.  While Roy was in the kitchen scanning the food selection, daddy put his "special mustard potion" in the seat of his chair, knowing Roy would soon hurry in and flop down waiting for somebody to walk by so he could trip them (mainly me).  Mama had made sure he had extra snacks that evening, to keep him occupied as long as possible so daddy could "fix" his chair.  When Roy finished, he made his way towards the chair.  He flopped like he had never flopped before.  He almost rattled the windows with his mega flop.  This guy wasn't able to sit still no matter where he was sitting, and this worked in Daddy's favor.  Roy started to feel a little tingle on his right cheek first, then the left started to tingle.  Now I don't mean the cheeks on your face, I mean the other cheeks.  The more he twisted and squirmed the more intense the tingle got.  After he had spun several circles in Daddy's chair, the tingle had turned into the feeling of a California wildfire that was burning it's way across his mountain sized cheeks.  He jumped out of the chair and was slapping at the seat of his pants, while running in circles.  Daddy looked at him and asked, "Roy, what wrong with you, have you gone crazy"?  By that time Roy had dropped to the floor and was scooting like a dog trying to express its own anal glands.  When he looked up at Daddy with a mad look on his face, Daddy lost it.  He was laughing until he couldn't breathe, but Roy was still scooting.  Roy caught on to what Daddy had done, and the mumbling commenced.  He mumbled and scooted his way to the door, and then stood up and twisted his way outside and dove into the driver's side of his small car.  He was a big man and didn't really fit in the car, and when your rearend is on fire, it can make for an interesting situation.  Granny was aware of what was going on, and she was standing on her porch watching.  Roy's top part was in the car, but his burning butt was still outside trying to follow the top so he could get the Volkswagen headed south!  When he finally got all of himself in the car, he was sure his pants had a hole in them from daddy's special gift.  He cranked his car, and we could hear him driving in first gear all the way to his house.  Granny had stood on the porch and watched this calamity, and laughed so much she was standing in a puddle because her bladder wouldn't hold.  Do you know what?  Roy never came back to our house, and he didn't come to Granny's kitchen and take milk EVER again.  Until he did....