Officer... Arrest That Squirrel

 There was never a time when my family wasn't up for a good drive.  On the weekends, when there wasn't a bluegrass festival booked, we would get up and go!  No plan, no map, and no seatbelts!  Who needed seatbelts back then?  Daddy was always the driver, and there was no telling who would join in on the expedition.  Saturday or Sunday in the spring and summer you could bet we would be at the "trade day".  Daddy wasn't a big man, standing only 5'7 give or take, and never weighed over 160 pounds.  He went through his phases of looking like the Oak Ridge Boys, Hank Williams Jr., and having Bob Ross' hair style.  Lord that hair!!  After Mama would give him a permanent, you would've thought he was about to pick up a paint brush and paint us a happy little tree.  He looked NOTHING like Hank Williams Jr, but he felt in his soul they were twins.  Daddy was a fantastic bass player and was a champion buck dancer.  He worked hard at his job and provided for us!  Fridays were his payday's.  On that day, we never knew what kind of car he would come home in.  He would go to his favorite car lot and "test drive" something for the weekend.  He knew good and well he wasn't going to buy that "good ride", but he did it anyway.  One car he brought home had the entire passenger side floorboard rusted out!  Mama put her foot down with that one and made him take it back that evening.  We all went of course, and I remember watching the road pass under Mama's feet while she held them up in the seat, giving Daddy the look of destruction.  I'm not sure, but this could've been the same car that while we were taking it back, Daddy looked down and had a mouse sitting on his foot!  Who knows, it's hard to narrow them down because there were so many.  Between his love for bringing home stray cars, looking like his favorite country singer, and dreaming of being an outlaw biker, his number one passion was listening to our police scanner.  When there would be a call anywhere near us, he would load us up and we would race to that call.  He was skilled though, he never got too close, but just close enough to see EVERYTHING going on.  I'm sure when the officers saw us, they knew it was the same rubbernecking family with the little black headed girl in the backseat with her face plastered against the window because she had to see everything and had no concern of being spotted.  One Friday night we had been to town for our usual going out to eat because it was payday event.  This particular night would turn out to be a turning point for Daddy's ambulance chasing career.  After we had finished our fun in town, we headed home.  It took us around a half hour to get home from because that was as close as we lived to a bigger town.  That night we decided to take the scenic route, and drive thru the cemetery.  You know, the cemetery where we crashed the graveside service with the haunted car?  The cemetery was on both sides of the road.  It was a dirt road because, well, it was the south in the 80's and a small town.  After we made our first turn off of the paved road, Daddy gunned it.  I would also like to mention he had a tendency to act like stunt car driver.  We watched Smoky and the Bandit way too many times and he never missed an opportunity to act like The Bandit.  As our car did a nice little fish tail, and the gravel was flying over our hood, Mama gave him that same look of destruction.  He thought it was in his best interest to right the ship and sail on.  We topped the hill and saw the small chapel at the cemetery.  As we drove past the chapel, Daddy slammed on his brakes.  He flung the car in reverse and peppered our side mirrors with gravel.  He backed up to the chapel and stopped.  He said, "Look at that thing"!  Mama and me leaped to the driver's side and was stretching our necks to see what was going on.  We were sure it was a giant anaconda, or even more horrifying, and giant anaconda riding on the shoulders of big foot!  Daddy said again, "Do Ya'll not see it"?  All we could see was a squirrel sitting on the chapel porch.  Who knows, his wife may have died, and he was waiting for the rest of the family to arrive.  No matter the circumstance, Daddy knew he needed to get help!  He said, "There's something wrong with that thing"!  With fear and desperation in his bones, he slung what was left of the gravels in the road and headed towards home.  Of course, we didn't have a phone at our house, so we pulled into Granny and Paw's driveway.  Daddy jumped out and rushed to the door.  Paw opened the door, and Daddy went in and grabbed the phone and started dialing.  Mama and me and made it inside the house were scared out of our wits.  Paw asked, "Oh Lord, what is it?  Are we being invaded by the republicans"?  We heard someone answer on the other end of the phone saying, "Sheriff's Department".  Daddy replied, "I need you to send a deputy out here as soon as you can".  The dispatcher said, "What is the problem sir"?  Daddy, completely serious, said, "I think there is a mad squirrel over here in the cemetery"!  When he said that, Granny asked him, "Are you drunk"?  Daddy answered with, "Well, not completely"!  We could hear laughter echoing from the receiver of the phone and could see Daddy turning a deep shade of red.  As the receiver made its way down to the base of the phone, we heard the dispatcher say, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't have handcuffs small enough to arrest that squirrel but if you would like to make a citizen's arrest, I'm sure we could put some bars on a coffee can put him in it"!  With disappointment showing on his face, Mama already made her way to the couch where she was stretched out laughing uncontrollably, and a look of total confusion on Granny and Paw's face, Mama said, "Why did you call the sheriff's department on that poor little squirrel"?  He said, "It was jumping at our car and I'm sure it had rabies".  Daddy wasn't the same for a long time after that.  He didn't chase another ambulance for several years after his encounter with the rabid squirrel!  Every time I drive past that little chapel, I can see that squirrel wearing his tiny handcuffs, standing behind the bars of his coffee can cell, with a posse of his friends outside protesting the unethical arrest of their friend.